A Tip of the Hat, But Why? 17-Foot-Tall Hat Breaks World Record
“Hats off to this towering feat,” no one in the country said or even thought.
By Gabe Herman · September 30, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article is headed by real record-breaking facts, it does contain some satire because, c’mon, it’s just a big hat!
Some people say that America doesn’t build things anymore, but hey, what about really tall hats that are silly and serve no practical purpose?
A man in Pennsylvania recently built such a hat and donned the 17-foot, 9.5-inch accessory, breaking a record that no one knew about or asked for.
The idea for making the cap came to the 24-year-old a few years ago during the COVID lockdown, when he was stuck at home and thought it would be good to do something productive with his time. “While the word ‘productive’ is subjective and open to interpretation,” said a renowned language expert at some university in the Midwest, “I don’t know if this would qualify as being productive. I mean, c’mon.”
During those lockdown days, the young man came across the record for tallest hat on the Guinness World Records website, which at the time was 15 feet, 9 inches, and he thought, Hey, why should that guy be the only one who gets to look really ridiculous?
"Sure, some might say that obscenely tall hat serves no purpose, but what about putting it next to a tree to help a stuck cat get down? I guess those mocking this hat really hate cats, and all animals, for that matter."
The neighbor added, “Can you ask me a few more questions before you go? I don’t have anyone to talk to, because apparently people find me ‘a lot to deal with.’”
Another neighbor said he was proud of the Pennsylvania record holder, and hopes that he will inspire future generations to build really tall hats of their own. “It’s a way to connect with your fellow man, and for all to unite in celebrating the heights that humans can reach,” the man babbled nearly incoherently. “It’s all about achieving a brotherhood and sisterhood of mankind, and about doing the impossible, no matter how silly and pointless.”
The tall hat maker is now truly a part of history after the record was confirmed by Guinness World Records, which also confirmed that it’s hard for people to work at their company for too long because people burn out quickly as they try to keep caring about dumb records that often seem made up on the spot.