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Trend it Like Beckham? Men Get Surgery for Nips Like Beck’s

Liposuction, tummy tucks, and nose jobs are some of the most popular cosmetic procedures, but now there’s a new player on the surgical football pitch: getting nipples the shape of David Beckham’s.

By Liz Days · April 4, 2024

Dream a Little Dream of Beckham's Nips Fisnik Murtezi/Unsplash

Disclaimer: While this article’s cups runneth over on facts, it may also contain a nip (or two) of satire.

Let’s face it.  We all have parts of our bodies that we wish looked a little different, and the barrage of well-marketed, touched-up images flooding our social media pages certainly doesn’t help with positive body image. Some of us try to reframe our less-loved parts as the things that make us unique, and some of us go under the scalpel & needle, trying to find that elusive “perfection.” A new trend is all about that: men clamoring for the look of David Beckham’s incredible….nipples.

Believe it or not, surgeons in NYC and other parts of the U.S. are seeing an increase in men wanting a nipple reduction in order to match soccer superstar David Beckham’s small, symmetrical, “almond-shaped” teats….to the tune of $5000. 

“My nips are like giant circles, you know? Beckham’s, though, I mean…He bagged Posh Spice, the hottest Spice Girl. NO circular-nippled guy or (God help you) square-nippled guy coulda done that.”
Gary, scheduled for nip surgery, NYC
A Masterpiece In Male Nippling  Igor Ferreira/Unsplash

When you list David Beckham’s attractive qualities, the obvious options might be: athleticism (blah blah), international brand recognition (borrrring), being a “romantic husband and devoted dad” according to pop star/fashion icon wife Victoria Beckham (nice try, Loverboy!), his work as an ambassador for UNICEF UK (ok, Goodie 2-Cleats), achievements (name ONE besides People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, 2015). MEANINGLESS!

Nippin Out  Kanzhehalishka/Goodfon

The male nipple serves no purpose, you say? What about purple nurples?? You can’t twist a hot PECK that way! What about its strength, as demonstrated by The Great Nippulini, who lifted over 70 lbs on each nipple in 2009? That truly hurts when you think about it. Almost as much as not having David Beckham’s nipples.

“The surgery involves removing breast tissue from under the nip nips and sewing them back up to look tinier. OR cutting out most of the nip nip protrusion to make it more almond-like, and, to be frank, super cutey patooty.”
Dr. Jennings, Nip Nip Surgeon, NYC

Not to bend this ball too far, but almonds (origin of the famous “almond-shape”) are 100% reliant on bees for crop pollination; Beckham built a bee farm in 2020. COINCIDENCE?? More like DESTINY, Buddy. In conclusion: almonds are healthy, nipples are coveted, and if any of us get our hands on $5K we allllll know what we’re gonna do with it. 

Like Bees to Almonds  Mockupo/Unsplash

Or (alternate take): your body is perfect, you’re wasting cash, and Beckham is just a dude with baby udders. Find YOUR “super nipple,” Bro, wear loose shirts, and invest in being a good listener. Maybe THAT’S the real spiced almond you’ve been looking for.