Cocaine’s Vacation Ruined By Tropical Storm Debby
Tropical Storm Debby is bringing out a lot in people - grit, perseverance, a desire to get the hell away from it and stay dry. It’s also bringing out other things, like illegal drugs washing up on shore in Florida to the tune of over $1 million.
By Bram Teitelman · August 7, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article is cut from the finest-grade facts, it is also dusted with some crack satire.
As many sad Americans know, we’re going through a bit of a depression right now. Just give us a few days to work through it and we’ll all be better. In fact, we can all look to Debby. No, not your annoying co-worker - the storm that’s currently soaking the Southeast. She was a hurricane, and is now a Tropical Storm and if she weakens, she’ll be a Tropical Depression of her own - proof that if you persevere, instead of raining on someone’s parade, you can rain on a much larger area, spreading chaos wherever you go. Talk about a Debby Downer!
Currently wreaking havoc in Georgia and the Carolinas, Debby first visited Florida, and someone in the Florida Keys discovered something that she helped blow ashore. Speaking of blow, that’s exactly what the beachgoer discovered - 25 packages of cocaine weighing 70 pounds with a sea, er, street value of over $1 million. The good samaritan even called the entire stash in to the US Border Patrol, as opposed to saying they’d found 23 packages of cocaine and having a month-long rager. And the story has a happy ending for everyone involved with just one exception - the cocaine.
“We’d been saving up all year,” the cocaine said. “It’s so boring in Colombia, just growing in the forest. Then you’re hanging out in a warehouse forever. It’s enough to drive us drugs to drink. So we decided to get away from it all and trade the straw in for a straw hat. We heard from our friend Molly that Florida is the place to be. So we set sail, hoping to wind up in Miami, since that’s where the action is, and who couldn’t use a pick-me-up these days?
“Things were looking up, but then it started to rain, and it was super windy, and Debby came along,” the cocaine continued quickly. “She capsized the boat we were in, bumped us to the Keys, and totally ruined our vacation. Now the cops have all 70 pounds of us, and we’re probably going to get washed down a drain instead of being done by someone rich, famous, attractive, and incapable of making good decisions.” As the storm continues to wallop the Eastern Seaboard, there’s almost definitely been an uptick in weirdos walking along the beach looking for anything out of the ordinary.