Day Slipper: Study Suggests Night Owls May Be Sharper Than Early Risers
Maybe staying up late to watch inane TV and scroll through an endless ocean of nothingness on your phone was a good decision after all.
By Gabe Herman · July 23, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article is based on early morning facts, it does also contain some late-night satire. Which is obviously sharper than the morning facts.
A study in Britain found that people who stay up late seem to have better over mental sharpness than those who wake up early. Although this conclusion has caveats, it would still appear on the surface to be great news for procrastinators, TV binge-watchers, late-night sugar and caffeine consumers, and self-destructive people across the globe. And it would seemingly be bad news for people trying to live life responsibly.
However, the study seemed to show that a more important factor for mental sharpness was how much sleep a person got, which would seem to make much more sense, but doesn’t really make for catchy headlines.
The study, led by researchers at Imperial College in London, used data taken from over 26,000 people in Britain who had performed intelligence, reasoning, reaction time, and memory tests. It’s likely that many of the British participants asked for a spot of tea at some point during the process.
This test data was compared to how long people slept, their quality of sleep, and the time of day that people felt most productive and alert. Those who stayed up late, or even moderately late, performed better than morning people.
"As a scientist, I can now confidently say that it's better to stay up late and waste time on your phone and computer, and to rewatch a movie you've seen 20 times before, because this data shows that night owls are sharper, and therefore all of those late-night activities are better than sleep. That's how data works - I'm just following the facts."
With the study noting that the length of sleep is important for mental alertness and functioning, it said that seven to nine hours daily is best. I think we all knew this already, but hey, thanks for the confirmation. The lead author of the study said that it’s important not to get too little or too much sleep.
It may be well-known that too little sleep is bad, but too much sleep isn’t healthy either, and can cause a condition that scientists call “Extreme fog and confusion, and generally feeling kinda dumb, and not responding quickly to annoying coworkers around you who are asking you a bunch of dumb questions about meaningless stuff.” The name of the condition is still a work in progress.
One outside expert questioned the study, saying it’s unclear if being a morning or night person leads to sharper minds, or if a decrease in mental abilities might alter people’s sleep patterns. “Hmm, that’s a good point,” the general public said thoughtfully with a nod.
A lecturer at another university in London pointed out that the study didn’t include participants’ education levels, or what time of day the cognitive tests were performed. Those do seem like important factors, but it shouldn’t prevent scientists from drawing irresponsible conclusions, because that’s what the general public and headline writers really want, after all.