Florida Woman Finds Alligator in Home; A Stunned Nation: “How is This Newsworthy?”
When the nearly 8-foot reptile appeared in the house in Sarasota County, Florida, locals called it everything from “pretty normal” to “business as usual.” One neighbor told a reporter, “Frankly, I’m surprised you’re here at all.”
By Gabe Herman · April 13, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article contains sharp toothed facts, this TAIL is filled to the gills with satire.
A Florida woman found a large alligator in her home this past week, prompting locals and people nationwide to shrug, “Yeah, and?”
The woman, who lives in Venice, along the Gulf Coast, did admit the scaly guest was a bit of a surprise. “I was taken aback because here in Florida I don’t usually get my daily visit from dangerous wildlife until later in the day,” she said. “It was definitely one of the more unusual things to happen in the past two or three hours.”
A neighbor questioned whether this was a newsworthy story, telling a mob of reporters, “What else, was a person in New York City rude? Or maybe a California man got a deep tan while eating a trendy avocado snack? Just more distractions from the mainstream media,” added the man, who seemed to have unresolved anger issues and bitterness against the world that may or may not go back to something from childhood.
"This doesn't seem like news. To be honest, it feels more like an AI-generated story. An alligator at a home in Florida? Come on, AI, I'm unimpressed."
After entering the home through a screen door, the alligator reportedly made its way into the kitchen, perhaps in the hopes of finding a delicious snack, like Uncrustables, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, or raw deer meat. The reptile didn’t find anything of the sort, but you can’t blame a gator for trying.
“I don’t know why this is news,” the Venice woman told an overflowing crowd of reporters who were still there the next day, after round-the-clock coverage on cable and social media. “After yesterday, I’ve now seen three alligators and two crocodiles this month, and I definitely know the difference between the two. Please don’t ask me to explain the difference between an alligator and a crocodile, because it’s so obvious that it’s insulting.”
When asked what her reaction had been when first seeing the gator in her home, the woman said, “I had two reactions: I wonder what I’ll have for lunch, and I wonder what I should watch while I’m eating.”
She continued: “You see, Days of Our Lives has been good lately, but the amnesia storyline hasn’t been good for my digestion. Then I thought maybe I’d try the Game Show Network, but some of those games have lots of bright blinking lights and loud sounds, which gives me heartburn. Sometimes, instead, I like to watch…” At this point, the group of reporters quietly walked away, leaving the woman talking to herself on the lawn.
The green beast was eventually removed from the home by local authorities, including officers from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Anyone who sees an alligator in their home is urged to call local wildlife professionals, but not before taking clear photos and dynamic video of the animal, preferably while it’s moving, which would be a big help for local news outlets.