Grinding Nemo: Humpback Whales Caught Having Gay Sex
Scientists discover two humpback whales having gay sex. This deep sea hookup is making waves, and now the conversation has shifted onto land. They appear to be having a whale of a time, but should the photos have been taken at all?
By Jonas Polsky · March 1, 2024

A little privacy please?
A loving pair of gay humpback whales have been photographed having sex – without their consent. The incident has reignited the debate over privacy and aquatic fornication. How far away must a pair of horny whales swim to ensure that their most intimate moments won’t be documented? Should anyone with a waterproof camera be allowed to snap photos of sea mammals getting their underwater freak on without consequence?
There’s the old water-logged argument that if you’re having sex inside a transparent liquid, then you shouldn’t expect to have privacy, but times are changing. This new online conversation about respecting the boundaries of homosexual whales could lead to a sea change in both policy and public opinion.
Should a photographer really be allowed to swim into your home and snap photos of your deep sea lovemaking? I think it’s high tide we draw a line in the sand on this issue. To add insult to injury, the photos that the scientists posted didn’t make any attempt to conceal the identity of the whales; either by covering up their faces or pixelating their genitalia. In one of the photos, an unblurred blowhole is clearly visible.

Scientists were so excited: “Wow, we’ve never seen gay humpback whales having sex before!” Yeah, and you never should have, because gay or straight – IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. One of the whales has claimed the photos are a deepfake, but should they have to? Sharing sensitive images online is a crime – but only for humans – and not for majestic ocean giants like the humpback whale.
The sad reality is that if you ask ten people if it’s okay to covertly record gay humpback whales having sex, you’re going to get ten different opinions.
It’s a divisive issue and consensus is often scarce. People cite their upbringing, culture, and religion as the things that inform their feelings on the matter. There’s not a lot of sympathy for humpback whales that get caught doing the saltwater mambo. Some will tell you that if whales want privacy, they should get a motel room. Unfortunately, no motel chains have volunteered to “step up” and build an underwater location with rooms large enough to accommodate two gigantic whales looking to have a fling.
The public consensus is that having sex in the ocean is like having sex inside of a dumpster enclosure; if people see you, they see you.
There have been a lot of half-hearted solutions tossed around to fix the privacy issue that’s so closely associated with underwater sex. The whales could unfurl a giant privacy tarp with their fins, have sex inside the wreckage of the Titanic, or wear “Eyes Wide Shut” masks to disguise themselves. Frankly none of these great ideas address the real problem of their privacy being invaded.
These homosexual whales had the courage to swim out of an extremely damp closet; for which they should be celebrated – not getting slut-shamed on the internet.