Odd News Show

I May Have Burned a Few Bridges Thinking the World Would End With That Eclipse

As it turns out, that eclipse was not the end of the world. I just hope to have this mess cleaned up by the time the next one rolls around.

By Jason Salmon · April 9, 2024

Things may have gotten a little out of hand Hush Naidoo Jade Photography/Unsplash

Satirical opinion by Jason Salmon, Odd News Show

Okay, I’ll admit that sometimes when I’m alone on a Friday night, I may overindulge and either binge-shop on Etsy or pinball down a rabbit hole of conspiracy theories about why scientists are doing things that no one without an advanced science degree understands. I may also have based a lot of my actions in the year’s first quarter on the conspiratorial belief that the eclipse combined with that weird earthquake in the Northeast, would likely hasten the fulfillment of the biblical prophecy of the end times. I may also never have passed an astronomy class, read anything (not including Reddit threads) about seismology, or owned a bible.

That being the case, when my manager Larry gets to the office on Tuesday from his three-day Mazatlan Eclipse Excursion, he is gonna be a little peeved about the fact that I pinned the phrase, “I Hope You Get a Toe Fungus,” in letters cut out from the quarterly reports he had sitting on his desk.

Larry is not going to like his new desk decor  Ferenc Horvath/Unsplash

While looking for my new job, I am probably going to be lonely since I left that meandering voicemail for Linda about how much I like Dungeons And Dragons and made it purposely too detailed and dwelled on useless information and then ended by saying that was how it felt to listen to her talk about her feelings. While we’re at it, please comment if you know how to get burn stains out of a favorite shirt.

Oh, and I’m probably going to need a ride over to her place to get my things because I can no longer drive. I accidentally ran my 92 Volkswagen Golf into a cop car - not my fault. He was parked right in the center of Main Street. He claims he wasn’t parked. He says he was stopped…at a red light. Tomato/British Tomato.

This is what my vision is like now  Adam McCoid/Unsplash

To be honest, I couldn’t argue with him, because another reason I can’t drive is because I think I may have done something to my retinas. I say that because I can only make out general shapes and also people keep saying, “I think you’ve done something to your retinas.”

My first instinct was to ask them to define retina, but instead, I took a breath and let them know that whatever it was had nothing to do with me raw dogging the sun during the eclipse because I wasn’t going to succumb to the media hype!

But enough about me though - how was your eclipse experience?