Just Browsing… and Slithering: Poisonous Snake Found in Aussie Store
The eastern brown snake emptied the clothing shop, which was offering exciting deals on summer clothing that’s almost entirely venom-free.
By Gabe Herman · October 4, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article is based on actual newsssssss, it does contain some slithery ssssssatire.
On a recent day Down Under, shoppers prepping for the upcoming summer season got a jolt when a deadly snake was discovered slithering among them.
The little bugger cleared out the shop in Moffat Beach, Queensland, along the eastern coast of Australia, and an expert had to be called in to remove the lethal serpent. You know, just another typical day in the wild land of Oz.
“Wow, that’s amazing,” said a man on a New York City street. “So you’re saying that it’s summer there when it’s winter here? I wonder how that fits in with the Earth being flat, which I know because I listen to a lot of podcasts.”
A guy standing next to him added, “I’m surprised too that it’s almost winter there. I thought teachers just made up that thing about opposite seasons as a way of passing the time in class.”
The eastern brown snake is one of the deadliest snakes in the world, but its shopping spree didn’t faze locals. “I usually see three to four deadly critters in a day,” said a woman who lives in the town. “Whether it’s snakes, poisonous frogs, spiders, or crocodiles, it’s all normal around these parts. But it’s good for tourism. People come here expecting a few deadly animals while shopping and eating and whatnot, so I’m glad they got that authentic Aussie experience.”
A snake expert was shown in a video capturing the snake in the retail shop, as the professional, who is clearly a man’s man of the highest order, stayed relaxed and chatted about having shopped there before and how impressive the snake was. “That’s one of the prettiest browns I’ve seen in ages,” he said in the video after scooping up the serpent. “Done. Easy.”
When an onlooker said that the wrangler must not be afraid of anything in the world, he replied, “Well, I’m deathly afraid of small talk, especially in elevators. Nothing scares me more and saps my will to live. But lethal snakes are no problem, mate.” The matter-of-fact snake wrangler was rewarded by a very appreciative store owner with 10% off any pair of capri pants from the previous year’s collection.
The snake was released back into the wild so that it could eventually wind up in another store or home and scare more people half to death.