Last Resort: Iguana Lays 30 Eggs in a Miami Resort Water Slide
Safe places for Iguanas to lay eggs during nesting time are getting more and more difficult to find, and these crafty lizards are getting more and more creative. For one lizard mom last week, it was time to drop the kids off… at the pool.
By Liz Days · April 23, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article is based on well-birthed facts, it does plunge at high speed down the waterslide of satire. You must be THIS tall to ride this article.
It’s Iguana breeding season down in South Florida and one Iguana last week found herself scrambling for the perfect spot to bring her babes into the world. The piña colada-sipping guests at a Miami resort got a front-row seat when Iguana-Mama chose the water slide jet right near their cozy poolside cabanas.
“I saw her Iguana legs hanging through the holes in the bottom of the slide. I was just hoping that her doula was nearby and that a water birth was part of her birthing plan. But what an amazing thing to witness!”
With the arrival of Michael Ronquillo of Humane Iguana Control, the lizard mom escaped but left behind 30 eggs at the bottom of the pool.
“Oh yeah, Linda was real pregnant; I thought she mighta had a hundred eggs in ‘er. When I asked where she was gonna pop those babies out, she said, ‘maybe in the bottom of a car, under the astroturf at the track, or at… YOUR MOM’S’ and before I could whip my tail at ‘er or get one-a my nails in, she was runnin’ over to the resort water slide. Thought maybe she was gonna let gravity do its thing and have a ride on it, but no. The whole thing was real awkward and traumatic.”
According to Humane Iguana Control, female iguanas can lay up to 70 eggs annually, leading to the possibility of infestations, something that Raid spray and flip flops are not effective against. If you see one of these reptiles burrowing holes in your backyard, climbing your fruit trees, or lounging in your living room watching “Real Housewives of Miami,” don’t attempt to approach it; Iguanas can cause bodily harm with their sharp claws, teeth, and powerful tails (whipping them up to 30mph), and may carry ticks, mites, and disease-causing bacteria like salmonella. It’s not worth the diarrhea or the b**ch-slap. Get assistance from a professional nuisance wildlife trapper.
Among Iguanas, the threat of their legal and humane killing (“cruelty-free” though it may be) can be a hard pill to swallow in an increasingly human-dominated landscape. And for the father of Linda’s hatchlings, the lizard-scales of justice are not in balance with the realities of their day-to-day existence.
“It hurts a little. Being called a 'nuisance'. I’m just trying to live my life. My ancestors were brought here against their will, and now that we’ve finally established ourselves in South Florida, we’re an 'infestation’? Humans better take a long, hard look at themselves before they start calling names and getting rid of Iguana families like mine. I lost my kids today, and I just hope Linda made it out.”
It seems that at the bottom of every water slide is a pool of truth. And the ripples from these cannonballs will not soon subside.