Odd News Show

Typeface: Local Man Sets Record for Typing with His Nose

The Wizard of Schnoz? One man set a new Guinness World Record by typing out the alphabet with his nose! Today’s workplace requires levels of productivity and efficiency that we could’ve never imagined three days ago. What new challenges lie in store for the modern worker?

By Jonas Polsky · June 7, 2024

The tired old excuse, "I don't have hands, I can't type" isn't going to cut it anymore. Ketut Subiyanto/Pexels/Creative Commons

Satirical opinion by Jonas Polsky, Odd News Show

Are you worried that your job could be outsourced to a planet-sized eyeball that telecommutes to work from inside a quantum vacuum?

That’s a valid fear.

Hyperspace travel has made commuting from the blood dimension easier than ever. That means the traditional labor market has been disrupted by the inclusion of both super-intelligent non-corporeal gig workers (what most theologians would consider a God) or just your run-of-the-mill scum golem (made from blood, puke, and piss). The addition of these supernatural entities to the workforce has made finding – and keeping – a job more difficult than ever before!

When you’re competing for a promotion against an omniscient cyborg rodent, you have to embrace the hustle!

The modern hiring manager is taking a second look at these non-human staffing options. They can be hired in full-time roles, or as on-call consultants for those critical moments when your team needs a sentient glob of yogurt that’s Salesforce certified.

It’s hard to believe, but that psychic pile of yogurt could save you thousands of dollars a year by streamlining your sales automation.

Quasi-real coworkers are not always an asset. Especially when one of your coworkers is just a shrieking mass of vulture faces that refuses to mute itself on Zoom. Staying engaged and positive while working alongside a screeching mass of hungry vulture faces is one of the most important soft skills to have in the post-blood dimension workplace.

Artist's depiction of an office meeting.  Wellcome Images/Wikimedia Commons

Take Mirror Man, for example.

Nobody wants to have Mirror Man assigned to their project. Mirror Man is made up of a million tiny bits of broken mirror, and each shard shows you a different traumatic event that you’ve never told anyone about. When Mirror Man is walking you through a PowerPoint presentation it can be hard to pay attention, because his face is replaying a dozen heartbreaking moments that left you scarred forever.

That’s why Mirror Man doesn’t have any friends!

It’s always frightening to show up for work and see a new batch of animated golden skeletons that were created by a wizard’s dying wish. Sure, they’re just undead interns, but each and every one of those animated skeletons – with bones made from the finest imitation gold – is plotting to steal your job.

Then you get the dreaded call into the human resources office. (Has Mirror Man been gossiping about you?) There’s the director of human resources, a formless puff of green and purple smoke, evaluating your four-dimensional productivity matrix.

“Yes, the workplace is more competitive than ever. Yes, I know the cyborg rodent is able to respond to emails before they arrive. Yes, I’m trying my hardest to keep up.”

You try to focus on the conversation, but you can’t help but gaze deep into the roiling plumes of smoke, as you catch fleeting glimpses of the unspeakable horrors lurking within. It’s not your fault that the psychic octopus in sales can telekinetically seduce any sales prospect!

How are you supposed to compete with that?

This is the new reality of the modern workplace, and you have to be ready to shed blood, sweat, and tears—because the only way the scum golem will share a document with you is if you let him drink a single salty teardrop, or chug a shot glass filled with fresh sweat.