Oh Baby, NYC is Putting Rats on Birth Control
Women looking for access to free birth control, look no further. There’s a simple solution: just move to New York City and become a rat.
By Missy Baker · September 30, 2024
Disclaimer: While this story is impregnated with facts, it also contains small but potent doses of satire.
New York City, known for its bustling energy, epic skyscrapers, and blissfully greasy pizza slices, is on a quest to curb the presence of some very unwelcome residents—rats.
The rodent population in Manhattan has reached nearly biblical proportions, with rats working their way into every nook and cranny of the city. It’s gotten so bad that you practically have to fist-fight one just to get a seat on the subway.
In an effort to reclaim the city for humankind, the New York City Council is introducing a bill that would provide free rat contraceptives to the city’s horniest rodents.
Officials hope that, once the city’s rats are free from parental duties, they can focus more on their futures—maybe even go to rat college.
“Thanks to rat birth control, I now have the freedom to live life on my terms. I can leave the city, go on a cruise, and finally finish the novel I’ve been working on: Gnaw, Pray, Love.”
So how exactly does Rat Planned Parenthood work? It’s simple. ContraPest (aka rat contraceptives) is hidden in salty, fat-filled pellets that no fertile rat can resist.
Instead of poisoning and killing the rodents, ContraPest affects the ovarian function in female rats and sperm cell production in male rats, preventing them from flooding the streets with ungrateful rat babies.
The bill, “Flaco’s Law,” is aimed at reducing the risks posed by rodent poisons to other animal populations, like birds. It’s named after New York City’s beloved animal celeb, Flaco the owl, who escaped the Central Park Zoo only to meet his untimely end after accidentally ingesting rat poison. (His owl wife has been cleared of all homicide charges.)
If the bill passes, city officials will select two of the most rat-infested areas (Times Square, we’re looking at you) to strategically distribute a buffet of complimentary contraceptives. From there, they’ll sit back and watch the rats enjoy themselves without the burden of unplanned pregnancies. (But not in a creepy way.)
Despite protests from Right to Rat Life activists, the pilot program is set to last one year. If successful, it will be expanded throughout Rat Island—er, Manhattan.
Proponents of the bill insist, however, that birth control alone won’t significantly reduce the rat population. Other mitigation efforts—like New York’s revolutionary idea to start using trash cans instead of creating weekly Mount Everests of garbage bags on the curb—will make contraceptives more effective.
Rats will still choose trash over edible contraceptives (can you blame them?), so reducing access to delicious garbage will increase the likelihood they’ll settle for eating birth control.
If city officials really want the rats to take the bait, maybe they should try putting it on pizza. Just saying.
