Pajama-Clad Criminal Arrested in Bizarre Hamster Heist
Police in Columbus, Ohio found themselves chasing more than they bargained for when a suspect robbed a pet store and unleashed a four-legged frenzy into the city.
By Missy Baker · July 10, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article is crammed with furry facts, it also contains a criminal amount of satire.
Just after 3 a.m. on Tuesday, officers responded to an alarm on the city’s west side where a man dressed only in leopard-print pajamas was caught on camera burglarizing several stores.
The fashion-forward criminal wreaked havoc throughout the strip mall, including break-ins at Famous Footwear, Petland, and Roosters—which I can only imagine is the male version of Hooters, where hunks serve hot dogs wearing nothing but itty-bitty jean shorts and a smile.
Witnesses reported the crime scene resembled some sort of a petting zoo prison break, with dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and even a ferret making a break for sweet, sweet freedom in the Petland parking lot.
The suspect, later identified as Matthew Pancake (I swear, I did not make that up), allegedly left a trail of his own blood throughout the crime spree, which everyone admitted was a nice touch.
Police followed the thoughtfully placed DNA droplets directly to the Dr. Doolittle wannabe, who was peacefully napping near the entrance of Big Lots.
Pancake tried to plead his innocence, but police were unconvinced when they found FOUR hamsters casually stuffed in his leopard-print pj pants.
One I could see, but four? How do you explain that?
"Sorry officer, these are my emotional support pants-hamsters. I swear."
Naturally, this left law enforcement with a lot of follow-up questions. The biggest one being how could someone sleep so soundly with four hamsters kickin’ it in their pajama pants. I’ll have what he’s having!
Before you judge this so-called criminal, remember: we don’t know his life. Maybe he needed these hamsters because he’s planning some kind of all-hamster Noah’s Ark. Maybe he’s starting an Alvin and the Chipmunks cover band called “Pancake and the Hamsters.” Maybe he just loves the feel of fur racing through the legs of his pajama pants while he naps outside of Big Lots.
Whatever the reason for his furry felonies, Pancake was apprehended without incident. He was promptly whisked away to the hospital to be treated for his injuries (hamster bites?) before facing criminal charges for breaking and entering—and civil charges for, ya know, being a total weirdo with the whole hamsters in the pants thing. Seriously, dude, what the Hell?