Raccoon Breaks Record For Sucking At Soccer
If you were on a soccer field for almost three minutes and didn’t score, defend, or even touch the ball, a coach would lecture you about effort. Raquinho the Raccoon, on the other hand, is being hailed as a hero for some reason.
By Bram Teitelman · May 21, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article is based on the Beautiful Game of facts, it does contain some dribbles of satire.
Of all the sports out there, soccer, or non-American football as some call it, is certainly one of them. And while many sports fans love it for the athleticism, others find that it can be 90 minutes of waiting for something to happen. Recently, in Philadelphia, something indeed did happen, as a raccoon ran onto the field at Pennsylvania’s Subaru Park during a game between the Philadelphia Union and the New York City FC.
What kind of heroics did the raccoon, nicknamed Raquinho by the MLS, pull once he made it onto the field? None whatsoever. No headers, no dribbling, no defending, not even any overacting and flopping on the ground in fake agony after a player came in contact with him. He just ran around like a jerk for 161 seconds before being captured between two trash cans and unceremoniously removed from the stadium.
161 seconds is nothing, especially in Philly. There wasn’t enough time to throw any batteries at the raccoon. No one even got a chance to call into sports radio station WIP to talk about what a bum Raquinho was and reminisce about a raccoon that scored 18 touchdowns for the Eagles back in ‘82. However, after the MLS granted the raccoon an award for the most seconds spent by a raccoon on the field in MLS history, Philly fans adopted Raquinho as one of their own, christening him “lil’ Gritty’ and immediately driving to the city where they climbed greased poles
"He calls himself an athlete? He can't even dunk!"
While it did take nearly three minutes to get a handle on Raquinho, a flotilla of stadium workers finally did, trapping him in a giant trash can and ultimately putting another trash can on top of the critter, sandwiching him in between the two. If you ask us, that’s a pretty poor way to treat a raccoon, even one that didn’t seem to have any idea about the actual game of soccer yet set a world record regardless.
A spokesperson for the Union told USA Today that Raquinho was released outside the stadium without being harmed. He appears to not have an agent, but is hoping to see where free agency takes him and is currently researching which stadiums have the best trash.