Odd News Show

Dough No! Rat-Filled Bread Blamed on Squeak Accident

Bread Alert! In Japan, rodent parts were found in several loaves of bread. As a precaution, more than 100,000 loaves of bread had to be recalled.

By Jonas Polsky · May 30, 2024

There's a big difference between a rat smoothie and a smoothie that has some rats in it. Tambako The Jaguar/Flickr/Creative Commons

Satirical opinion by Jonas Polsky, Odd News Show.

It’s time to have a frank discussion about eating rats.

Artificial intelligence has ushered in a new era of hyper-efficient, automated pest control. Pocket-sized mini drones are zooming through air ducts and sewer systems twenty-four hours a day, exterminating all manner of invasive vermin. This includes squirrels, possums, the occasional capybara, and a mind-boggling number of RATS.

Every hour on the hour, the pest control drones return to base and drop off millions of filthy little dead rats. No matter how hard we try, we can’t dispose of them fast enough. To tackle this problem, we created the Federal Department of Rat Carcasses. Their first (and only) proposed idea was to dump all of the dead rats into the Grand Canyon and cover it with a giant plastic tarp. Everyone loved that idea, but it turned out that buying a 300-mile-long plastic tarp would be too expensive (especially with shipping!), so we sent them back to the figurative drawing board. And I have great news; they came up with a better solution.

You’re going to eat the dead rats.

Not whole, of course. We would never force you to eat an entire rat. We’re going to force you to eat little chopped-up bits of dead rat – each one roughly the size of a peanut M&M. Consistent sizing has been an issue for the rat meat quality control team, so there is a strong possibility that you’ll wind up eating a chunk of dead rat that is significantly larger than a peanut M&M and because of that, I would like to apologize to you in advance.

Just remember the old saying, “Eat one thing each day that terrifies you.”

You’re probably thinking that you’ll simply “opt out” and refuse to eat a hacked-up rodent that’s covered in its own dried blood. We anticipated that, which is why the rat components will be evenly distributed throughout the global food supply. Just think, with each meal you’ll be using your body’s own digestive system to help us dispose of these billions of gross little rat corpses.

There are eight billion people in the world, and if we all eat between three and five rats per day, we’ll have this problem solved in LESS THAN TWO YEARS!

You’re not accustomed to eating tiny little cut-up chunks of dead rat meat, including the fur, claws, eyeballs, teeth, and face. Eating rat faces isn’t part of your everyday diet, but it will be soon!

Aren’t you excited to enter your rat-face-eating era?

These empanadas are absolutely bursting at the seams with juicy rat meat  Kent Ng/Pexels/Creative Commons

Dead rats that are already a little bit rotten may not sound like a healthy diet, and that’s true. Rats are famous for carrying diseases, and those diseases don’t magically disappear just because they’ve been hacked into little bits and stuffed into your Subway Club. Expect to get really, really sick – like all of the time.

You might think that you’ll just cover up the taste of rotting rat meat with hot sauce, but unfortunately the hot sauce is going to have a decent amount of rat blood in it.

We wanted each meal to present the consumer with a healthy balance between edible food and rancid rat meat. That’s why every sandwich or burrito that you ingest will be made up of approximately 40% food and 60% dead rat. That means with each bite of your Uncrustable, there’s a nearly 50% chance that you won’t bite into a juicy little rat morsel!

I like those odds!

Imagine biting into a plain bagel and seeing there are between four and nine peanut M&M-sized chunks of rat meat inside. Look on the bright side; there’s still A LOT of bagel there! Harness the power of positive thinking and say to yourself, “This is a plain bagel with a little bit of rat meat in it!” and not, “This is a rat bagel!”

Nobody likes a whiner, so just shove it in your rat-hole and shut up.