Odd News Show

Rat Signal: Rodent Gang Throws Blowout Pot Party at New Orleans Police HQ

New Orleans’ police headquarters has an “infestation” of rats that have consumed some key evidence: confiscated pot. It was unclear whether the rats were natives of NOLA or just in town for Spring Break.

By Katie Compa · March 21, 2024

"Are my eyes open too wide?" René Gademann/Flickr

Disclaimer: While this article is based on the highest level of facts, it does contain a small pot of satire.

Cops working in New Orleans’ 56-year-old police headquarters building, on the edge of the city’s Central Business District, have seen their offices overtaken by an “infestation” of rats. The rats have successfully infiltrated the station to the point that they’ve consumed some key evidence: confiscated marijuana from arrests.

“Not cool,” said the narcs, I mean cops.

“The rats eating our marijuana, they’re all high,” Police Superintendent Anne Kirkpatrick told the New Orleans City Council members - none of whom, sadly, are either cats or the hosts of Netflix’s Queer Eye - asking them to approve a $7.6 million, 10-year lease for the department in a rat-free high-rise building downtown.

The 910 officers who work in the building have even arrived to find rodent droppings on their desks. “This infestation is really harshing my buzz,” said one, “although I do appreciate the irony.” 

Kirkpatrick says the filthy, run-down environment, with its air-conditioning and elevators often out of order, is detrimental to staff morale and could give new recruits coming for interviews the ick, adding that the dilapidated building is also under assault by mold and cockroaches. One roach reached for comment squeaked, “ACAB,” before disappearing into a crack in the wall. Toxic mold declined to respond to our inquiries.

“We can’t say for sure that these rats aren’t Banksy”?  Banksy/Infrogmation of New Orleans/Flickr

An Orkin (spokes-) Man, Ron Harrison, said that to his knowledge, Orkin has no prior experience with anarchist rats who know how to party. However, he continued, rats are omnivores, and they would likely get high from eating weed, just like humans do. (After that, we assume, they snack on fallen donut crumbs until they pass out in tiny beanbag chairs watching 1991’s An American Tail: Fievel Goes West.) 

Of course, unlike humans, rats can eat up to one-third of their own body weight in a day, so some of them may still be in outer space.