Odd News Show

Assault and Batteries: Robot Police Dog Has a Warranty for Your Arrest

Rage Against the Machine Learning? A robotic police dog was gunned down in the line of duty - should the public be upset about the forced disassembly of a mechanized dog, or is it just manufactured outrage?

By Jonas Polsky · April 1, 2024

Sit! Roll over! KILL! Massachusetts State Police/Associated Press

I got an alert on my Apple Smartwatch. I knew it was important, so I strapped into my Apple Vision Pro augmented reality headset to get the full story. During a SWAT standoff, a robotic police dog had been shot. I got bored, so I gestured with my hand to swipe the story away and instead watched several AI-generated videos of Timothee Chalamet making out with himself.

“ENHANCE!” I commanded – my voice cracking – as the headset zoomed in, taking me directly to the center of the action.

Forty-seven minutes later the battery on the Apple Vision Pro ran out, and I was forcibly returned to a harsh reality where only one Timothee Chalamet exists. That’s when I remembered that a robotic police dog had been destroyed, so I clapped my hands together which alerts a chatbot to begin crafting a hot take to post to my socials.

The outcome of the shooting was considered an epic win because a meaningless robot had been destroyed instead of a flesh and blood dog getting hurt. Still, I couldn’t get over how one-sided the situation was. The real police dog was relaxing at home somewhere, paws up and watching some terrific free content on Tubi, while his android doppelganger was out on the street getting shot to bits.

My socials are absolutely BURSTING with images like this! <3  Idan Tal/Pinterest

There has to be a more humane solution! Instead of an organic criminal fighting an organic dog, a human criminal is forced to fight an immortal cyber-dog. Why should a criminal have to risk his life by showing up in person while the police dog gets to work from home?

That’s not fair!

Wouldn’t it be more humane to remove all of the organic entities from the equation? We outsource all of the risk, all of the danger, to a bunch of mindless robots while we kick back at home watching some of the incredible free content on Tubi, which has a tremendous selection of ad-supported movies that would surprise (and delight) even the most jaded streaming aficionado.

Just because I decide to rob a bank shouldn’t mean I have to risk being lasered in half by a trigger-happy robodog.

All I want is a 3D-printed criminal droid with a ghost gun to go out and rob liquor stores for me while I examine an infinite hyper-collage of tens of thousands of photos of Timothee Chalamet’s feet, some real, some imagined. That’s a situation that’s both fair and equitable to everyone involved – except for the terrified liquor store clerk who’s getting confronted by an armed robot demanding money and cigarettes. But that’s her problem.