Smoking Joints? Stolen Skeletons Being Ground Up to Make Drugs
Coffin up a Lung? Skeleton thefts have rattled local cemeteries after a drug made from ground-up human bones has gained popularity.
By Jonas Polsky · April 11, 2024
We reached out to the CEO of Discount Cemetary LLC for comments. This was their response:
Trigger Warning: The following may contain depictions of corporate spin, spooky skeletons, and deadpan satire.
Dear Discount Cemetery customer,
We know that mass emails can feel a little impersonal and cold, but we need to address a minor graverobbing issue that’s been brought to our attention.
If you’ve visited any of our Discount Cemetery locations recently, you may have noticed that all of the graves – which were previously filled in with dirt – are now completely open, and the coffins inside are empty.
These open graves are the result of the graverobbing issue that I mentioned earlier.
We know that learning the skeletons of your loved ones have been dug up and stolen can have a negative impact on your mood. This is not the normal skeleton-inside-grave experience that you’ve come to expect from Discount Cemetery. Our goal is that after we bury your dead loved ones, they stay in the ground forever. This week, we have fallen short of that goal.
There have been a lot of reactions to this event, some positive, and some negative.
On this point I need to make myself very clear; there are no untouched graves, and there are no skeletons in the cemetery. This is our busy season, so please do not call and ask us to check if your relative is still buried, or if we may have overlooked their skeleton somehow and it’s actually still here. It’s not.
All of the skeletons ARE GONE.
The curious among you may be asking; “What happened to the skeletons of the people we paid you to bury?” Great question. The answer is simple: their bones have been ground up into powder and smoked by drug addicts. In a way, it’s sort of like they were cremated!
Apart from all of the graves being dug up and all of the skeletons stolen, everything at the cemetery is functioning as normal.
You may be wondering if the team at Discount Cemetery could have done more to prevent several hundred dead bodies from being stolen, ground up, and either smoked immediately or sold online and then FedEx’d to a drug addict who lives abroad.
The answer is, “not much.” There are three very clear “No Graverobbing!” signs posted throughout the cemetery. Unfortunately, the graverobbers saw these signs and chose to ignore them.
A silver lining to this situation, we have A LOT of used coffins for sale. If you’re in the market for a used coffin – SHOP US FIRST – we can beat any competitor’s advertised price. Thanks to this mass graverobbing incident we now have one of the largest inventories of pre-owned coffins in the tri-state area. But at these prices – THEY WON’T LAST! So get down to Discount Cemetery today, because these deals won’t stay buried!
Sincerely,
Steven Keith Millerson
CEO of Discount Cemetery LLC