Odd News Show

Let Them Eat Steak: Stop Buying Groceries and Live Debt‑Free

Sure, corporations charge outrageous food prices, but that’s because food is a luxury. Walking up the street with a cheeseburger and a glass of milk is the biggest FLEX modern society has. Nobody NEEDS to eat, that’s what makes buying food such a status symbol.

By Jonas Polsky · April 10, 2024

If money was no object; what would you eat? U.S. Department of Agriculture/Flickr

Satirical opinion by Jonas Polsky, Odd News Show

My parents got divorced when I was seven years old. My father came home one day with a bag of groceries under each arm and shouted, “Time for dinner!” My mother took one look at the groceries and collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor. She launched an app on her phone that lets you manage all of your legal affairs with a single tap, and clicked the big red button that said “GET DIVORCED.” Eight seconds later, my father moved out. We never saw him again.

Our family had lived happily in a grocery-free household for seven years, and then my father made the biggest mistake of his life; wasting money on groceries. My mother never forgave him, and frankly – neither did I. Mom never remarried and whenever we drove past a grocery store we’d roll down the windows and SPIT at it.

My mother taught me all of the incredible alternatives to eating food, and I still practice them to this day. Every Thanksgiving the aroma of “Boiled Newspaper Soup” takes me right back to my childhood. Family recipes like “Microwaved Pine Cones” got me through college, and if pine cones weren’t available, you could always curb your hunger by sucking on a Lego or chewing on a racquetball.

If you were in a pinch and couldn’t find a Lego to suck on, you could always gobble up a big mouthful of air. We had the cheat code that unlocked financial freedom; never having to buy food.

MMM... FOOD?  CC0 Public Domain/No Attribution Required

The money you don’t spend on food can be used to access normally unobtainable luxuries, like paying the rent on time, getting your car repaired, or buying clothing that covers up all the parts that need covering, and when you get sick – you can sometimes even afford to see a doctor.

Some nights I lie in bed, staring up at the poster on the ceiling that says “I RESENT MY DAD.” In my mind’s eye, I see my smiling father in the kitchen, carrying the two grocery bags. I pray for God to let me go back in time; to stop him before he entered the house with those infernal bags. I’d help him throw the groceries into the sewer and burn the bags. The more I try to forget it – to erase the memory – of him holding those grocery bags, the more stuffed the bags become.

Some nights I don’t fall asleep at all.

A survey of spoiled Millennials and Gen Z miscreants found that their number one upcoming splurge is groceries. What kind of decadent culture are we living in that people would frivolously trade the bulk of their paycheck for groceries? Don’t they understand that trying to simultaneously buy groceries and pay the rent is a one-way trip to bankruptcy?

Leave the avocado toast to the billionaires and face the facts: groceries are too expensive for normal people to buy. This is why fun alternatives like starvation and fishing edible leaves out of the storm drain have become so popular.

Housing, electricity, and food. Want three; pick two. If you spend your entire life not eating, maybe one day you’ll be up there in a climate-controlled space capsule with the other billionaires. But you’ll never balance a budget if you insist on having food to eat.

Every day that I suck on this Lego it gets a little bit smaller, and the memory of my father gets a little bit dimmer.