The Cluck Stops Here: Locals Protest As Chickens Invade English Village
About 100 wild chickens have infiltrated the town of Snettisham, in Norfolk, England, causing property damage, sleepless nights, and probably making some local vegans rethink their vow not to kill and eat them.
By Gabe Herman · May 31, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article has emerged from an egg of facts, it does contain some broken shells of satire.
It may sound like the plot of a horror movie written by a vegan, but it’s true: scores of chickens have rudely barged into a small English town and are causing havoc of all kinds. While the chickens themselves are unable to become airborne, the problem has taken flight and caused a local uproar, with many locals demanding that something be done about the birds - did somebody say barbecue?
“Something has to change,” said a local resident, “because I can’t take the loud clucking at 4 in the morning, and the damage to my garden, and the constant temptation to my stomach: every time I see them out there, I just think of all the tasty, tender chicken sandwiches I could be feasting on.”
To make matters worse, the town has been attracting many visitors eager to feast their eyes on the nuisance most fowl. The visitors are leaving food for the chickens, which ends up attracting rats as well.
"I can't believe visitors are feeding the chickens, including delicious food like prawns. I mean, I like prawns, so can't I have some? I'm really on the verge of going out there and turning those cluckers into some delicious meals."
While the chickens are ruffling the feathers of some locals, others are taking the invasion in stride. “I don’t mind the chickens,” said one local resident. “And I certainly don’t want to kill them, even though it would solve the noise issue and also the problem of what I’m going to have for dinner tonight.”
"But slaughtering the chickens would be barbaric - I'd rather buy packaged meat at the supermarket like a civilized person."
“Maybe it’s all a stunt by a chicken restaurant chain to get free publicity for their chicken,” said another local. “In fact, that’s probably what’s happening because I heard that idea somewhere, and I’m really into conspiracy theories because it’s a way of feeling like I’m thinking outside the box even though it’s really just going along with what others are telling me to think. So, yeah, it’s probably just a big PR stunt or something.”
Another local resident said she was okay with all of the chickens around town. “I moved out of the city to get away from noise,” she explained, “but I’m fine with this noise. As long as it’s not a siren or a car horn at 5 in the morning, it’s alright with me. There might be lots of differing opinions in society, but I think we can all agree that the people who honk their car horns during dawn and pre-dawn hours should be locked up for a very long time.”