The Crawling Dead: Fungus-Infected Cicadas Coming This Spring
Get ready for the Cicada-pocalypse! Cicadas, some possessed with a zombie-like fungus, will be emerging from under our feet this springtime in numbers not seen for generations.
By Liz Days · April 15, 2024
Disclaimer: While this article is crawling with facts, it’s also infected with satire. Don’t let it bug ya.
If you’re a fan of “The Walking Dead”, “The Last of Us”, or bugs emerging from the soil in unprecedented numbers, then this is your season! Not only are trillions of cicadas expected to rise from the earth across the U.S. this spring, but some of them will be “zombie cicadas”, infected by a sexually transmitted fungus (STF) that makes them horny AF!
After a years-long hibernation, two broods of cicadas are making their new debut: Brood XIX, which crawls up from underground every 13 years, will be coming to a walking path near you in Georgia and the Southeast. Brood XIII (you still have time to catch up on “Broods” 1-18 on Netflix!), which has a coming-out party every 17 years, will be falling onto a body part near you in Illinois. This mashup? LEGENDARY.
But that’s not all: both of these broods can be infected by a fungal pathogen called Massospora cicadina, aka Fun-guy brooditude. These cicadas are horny, mischievous, and ready to show you the best party trick ever: a chalky white plug busting out of their abdomen that takes over their body and makes their junk fall off…all while chuggin’ a 40. Classic Dave!
He’ll try to get it on with females who, unsurprisingly, do not love the look of his abs or understand his new eunuch sex moves, and he’ll even pretend to be a female to get other males close to him and his fungus.
“Yeah, when I heard about Dave and how that mess is killing him, I was thinking of how many girls, and guys, including me, he’s been near, and was like, wow. Nobody even knew he was sick. Just seemed like the crazy stuff he always did every 13-17 years. But I shoulda seen that this…was different.”
And, boy, is it different. Scientists think that Massospora cicadina hides out for years inside a cicada, like Dave, and takes over when the cicada reaches adulthood, keeping the host alive for as long as it can to spread itself out as much as it can. It’s a never-before-seen cicada-pocalypse.
While scientists don’t yet know how Fun-guy brootitude could affect other animals, especially since less than 5% of cicadas are infected, they still recommend that wildlife and humans don’t eat them.
"I'll eat a zombie cicada if I WANT to eat a zombie cicada, my dude."
Maybe a cicada dinner isn’t tantalizing, but if you see an infected bug you may be tempted to grab your zombie-killing machete or to call Pedro Pascal who will do it in a hotter zombie-killing way. Scientists, instead, advise that you take a photo and share it with scientific communities online to help with research. Sadly, this research is one brood awakening too late for cicadas like Dave. (We lost you - and your genitals - too soon. RIP)