Crookie Mistake: The Hybrid Pastry that Ended Western Civilization
Crookies; they’re the totally snackable Tiktok-certified dessert that has social media drooling! Hot, crispy, and oh so gooey, they’re everything that [TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED, YOU ARE NOW OFFLINE]
By Jonas Polsky · March 22, 2024
“Mommy, what was the world like in the before times?”
“Well, sweetie, everything was going okay for a while – and then…”
“And then crookies were invented?”
The mother buries her head in her hands and begins sobbing.
The child continues, “And is that why we have to live inside a porta-potty?”
Constant war, mass starvation, natural disasters, Tiktok challenges. The planet was like a giant stick of dynamite waiting to explode.
Crookies just lit the fuse.
The buzzy French pastry had taken the world by storm; but crookie enthusiasts were quick to realize the cruel trick the gods had played on them. Eating a crookie provided no satisfaction – it just made them hungrier for another crookie. The more crookies they ate, the more they craved.
An EMT kneels over a crookie addict in the grips of a crookie-induced seizure. When she offers him a Cronut, he spits in her face.
The age of the crookie monster had begun.
Like the dinosaurs had been wiped out by a massive asteroid; mankind’s extinction had arrived in the form of a viral pastry. After the crookie’s introduction, the social fabric began to unravel almost immediately. Lines for the Instagrammable treat wrapped around the block, down into the subway, back up to the surface, and around the block again. The lines were out of control.
After waiting in line for days to get their hands on a delicious crookie many people would collapse from hunger, or die from exhaustion. The other people in line shuffled past them or stepped over the dead bodies. “More crookies for us,” they would mutter.
At times, people would reach the head of the line only to learn that the crookies were sold out. Naturally, they rioted. Bakeries were looted and torched, making the crookie shortage even more dire. Then the blackouts began. You see hobos huddled around a flaming garbage can to stay warm. As you approached you realized they were just using the fire to re-melt the insides of their crookies.
Riots break out between mobs who can’t agree about which part of the crookie was the most important. Flaky croissant fans were on one side, gooey chocolate chip cookies on the other. Hospitals can’t treat the injured rioters because the emergency rooms are choked with patients suffering from acute crookie withdrawal.
Organized gangs hijacked any trucks attempting to deliver cookie dough or fresh croissants. What they did with those ingredients was anyone’s guess.
Weeks into the crisis, world governments attempted to intervene. Ovens were outlawed, and the possession of raw cookie dough was punishable by death. But by then it was already too late. As the saying goes, the crookie was already out of the oven. Its cities scorched, nations razed, the collapse of human civilization was complete. The only survivors were people who had never eaten a crookie, because they were gluten intolerant – which was the worst possible outcome.
Humanity had been tested and we failed, but that’s the way the crookie crumbles.
“Okay honey, story time’s over. Let’s get this porta-potty cleaned up before your fathers get home.”