Odd News Show

Makin’ a Splash: Young Woman Caught Bangin’ on a Florida Pier Dives Away

While some Americans spent Memorial Day barbecuing, beaching, and/or remembering those they’ve lost, one couple spent it having a short f**k on a long pier, and caught the attention of authorities.

By Liz Days · June 1, 2024

The Naples Pier: Fornication Station 2024. P. Markham/Wikimedia Commons

Disclaimer: While this article is based on bare facts, it is also fleshed out with some bumpin’ satire.

Who among us has not gone to an historic pier to swim with an attractive friend on Memorial Day, and instead gotten naked, had sex in the open, and tried to escape the police by diving into the water? WHO AMONG US!!???

Well, we’re all in good company, friends, because 20-year-old Allyssia Razo did just that this past holiday in Naples, Florida, leaving her naked, 23-year-old male companion, Zadok Westfield, to explain it to the cops. (welcome to the club, ya horn-dogs!!!)

At about 4:30pm, hours before sundown, Naples police received multiple reports about what was goin’ down at the end of the Naples pier. 

You'll never catch me alive and clothed, Tommy Lee Jones!

The 2-person nudey parade was in full swing when the cops arrived on the scene. Razo & Westfield (who should start a successful law firm) were startled & “disheveled” and grabbed their clothes to put on. Razo, going one more step too far, directly disobeyed police orders when she dove off the pier (in her bathing suit) into the water below. Not sure how far she thought she’d get on this postcoital swim, but the beach patrol picked her up as soon as she exited the water, just slightly northeast of where she’d begun.

“I saw her swimming away, thought she was a mermaid at first and that her tail just hadn’t formed back up since she was outta the water with that human so long. I woulda tried to hump her—some sweet belly-to-belly action—but I already got in trouble for that last tourist season, so I’m really tryna be better this year.”
Clark Dolphin - expert at jumps & twirls, and convicted sexual predator (King Triton’s Sea Court).
Clark Dolphin's creepy Fin-der profile pic.  Paul Orford/Unsplash

Both were taken into custody, charged with trespassing and disturbing the peace, and Razo was also charged with resisting arrest without violence. The two were bonded out the same day, and bonded together… for life.

Among the snitches who interrupted this beautiful holiday love affair was a mom of four (ages 7, 11, 12, & 15) enjoying a fun beach day with her children when she saw things gettin’ hot and heavy at the end of the famous pier. Her youngest kids asked about what the couple was doing, and instead of using this as a teachable moment (“they’re knockin’ boots, Jimmy and Lucy; I only hope you’ll meet someone who’ll rail you like that, too, someday.”), Mom called the police. (Booooo!)

That said, this was a bold move (as we all know). The Naples pier, first built in 1888 and rebuilt a million times since then due to hurricane destruction, extends about 1,000 feet into the Gulf of Mexico. It’s only been partially open to visitors since Hurricane Ian had its way with it in 2022, but the accessible part (the non-trespass-y section) is still a choice locale for fishing, bird-watching, dolphin-spotting, and beautiful sunrise/sunset vistas. Well, looks like the vistas got a historic & pornographic glow-up this year when two lovers brought an eggplant and a taco to the holiday celebration, and the moon(s) rose early. God Bless America.