The Market for Unique Horses is Exploding - But So Are the Horses!
Not Horsing Around! In North Carolina, a miniature horse named Sweetie has set a Guinness World Record by having a nearly six-foot-long tail! That’s REALLY, REALLY long!!! But is this incredible horse the result of high-quality breeding or – some other factor?
By Jonas Polsky · May 6, 2024
Satirical opinion by Jonas Polsky, Odd News Show
I personally distributed a pamphlet warning parents that an ethereal horse has been snacking on the dreams of sleeping children. Because the horse is an intangible apparition that can pass through walls, there’s not much parents can do, but knowing is better than not knowing, right?
That’s why I gave them the pamphlet.
We live in horse country. I grow horses for a living, and my father grew horses before me. Due to the number of professional horsemakers here, our small town has been dubbed Horseville, USA.
The residents of Horseville are always winning awards for their record-setting horses. We hold the record for the tallest horse (114 feet and 2 centimeters), the only horse that was hatched out of a giant egg, a horse with a four-dimensional face (or multiple faces, depending on your perspective), and, of course, we have the only horse with transparent skin. The transparent horse is completely see-through, and you can watch all the blood and food zipping around, along with its big pink brain throbbing from all of the horse’s great ideas.
I should also mention that our town is located about eighty feet from an atomic power plant that exploded.
No one knows WHY the nuclear power station exploded—and then immediately imploded—because everyone working there was sucked into the basketball-sized black hole that appeared in its place. Personally, I like to think that the sheer variety of weird horses we have here in town is the result of our skilled horse breeding, but the nuclear meltdown and subsequent radiation-spewing black hole may have made a minor contribution.
My neighbor owns a unique horse that periodically melts down into a puddle and then reconstitutes itself back into a solid object. From the way the horse screams throughout the process, it sounds excruciating, but at least it’s pretty traumatic to watch.
When I look at this liquified horse puddle that can scream without a mouth, do I think its existence is the result of breeding or having been born within spitting distance of a black hole?
Let’s say the jury’s still out on that one.
Every day, I wake up and see my own plaque from Incredible Horse Magazine. I won it because I’m the owner of the only horse that has spaghetti for hair and cries tears of marinara sauce—and sings opera in a dead Aramaic language. I thought initially that the spaghetti hair would grow back after eating it, but it just gets shorter the more you eat. Luckily, the horse does create an infinite amount of tangy, restaurant-inspired marinara tears, which I eat by the handful.
Incredible Horse Magazine was informed—by one of my haters—that the horse’s spaghetti hair had mostly been eaten off, and they asked that I return the plaque. I politely (but firmly) refused.
When you get down to it, the black hole in the center of town is pretty harmless. It’s safe enough that you can walk right up to it and put your hand inside. When you pull your arm back out, there’s not going to be a hand, of course, but apart from that, it’s fine.
I just wish my wife could be here to see my spaghetti horse. Sometimes I feel like she’s with me – and when it’s quiet I can almost hear her voice. She’s still alive, she was delivering a single child-sized milkshake for UberEats when the nuclear power plant folded in on itself and now she’s trapped between dimensions.
Seeing the Ring camera footage of my wife being hit by a chunk of radioactive dark matter that splorked out of the black hole and turned her into an eternal multidimensional phantasm was a little distressing, but it got a ton of likes online which significantly reduced my grieving period.
I’m so proud of the amazing mutated horses that we have in Horseville. When I look at these horses I actually see myself in them. Namely because when you walk by their faces wrench and morph to become a mirror image of your own face. They do that as a sign of friendship… I hope.
I love living in Horseville, and I plan to never leave – and that’s not just because the government erected a 400-foot containment wall that makes escape impossible.