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Sex Machina: Tokyo Launches Dating App and Japanese People are Getting Screwed

Mating App: Faced with a dwindling birth rate, Tokyo is launching an official dating app to encourage citizens to marry and have children. But how far are they willing to go?

By Jonas Polsky · June 10, 2024

"Congratulations! Your sex partner has been randomly selected and will be arriving soon!" J H/Flickr/Creative Commons

My phone buzzed, which can only mean one thing.

It’s time to have sex again.

The message is always the same: “Your breeding session has been scheduled. Report to the designated address. Have sex immediately. NO small talk, NO foreplay.” I click on the map. My mating partner for this session is 325 meters away. I expanded the details and saw that we’re going to have sex inside a transparent bus stop in Shinjuku.

To combat a shrinking population, the government instituted a mandatory “dating” app that requires citizens to have sex as often as possible. The app is pretty straightforward: NO condoms, NO questions. It’s one of the simpler apps I’ve ever used. It locates the nearest un-pregnant woman, directs you to her location, and you have sex together.

You don’t even have to swipe.

Since the app was introduced, people are having sex everywhere you look. Between vending machines, in the open trunk of a parked car, inside an oversized translucent garbage bag. As I cross the street I step over what was either a threesome or a foursome, I can’t be bothered to check. I’m scanning for the address, but it’s hard to focus with all the noise, which is a combination of barnyard animal sounds and non-stop applause.

I have to hurry, or I’ll be late to my sex appointment.

What horrors await you inside the sex bus?  103momo/Wikimedia Commons

As I jog to the plastic bus shelter to procreate, I reminisce back to simpler days. It’s weird to think there was a time when I rarely had sex. Now I have sex every ninety minutes. Is that a lot? When was the last time I ate? The dating app buzzes again, telling me to hurry up.

Why does it have to be a bus shelter? Why can’t we have sex somewhere nice – like inside a dumpster enclosure?

I spot my breeding partner standing alone under the flickering fluorescent light. She looked at me and then tapped on her phone to indicate that I’d arrived. Like most mandatory sex partners, she didn’t look very horny. “So what’s it gonna be tonight? Would you like a boy or a girl?” I quipped.

She slapped me across the face. NO SMALL TALK.

If she’d wanted to, she could report me for attempting to start a conversation and I’d be arrested. Breeding efficiently means breeding quickly, and there’s nothing efficient about telling jokes.

We were halfway through our breeding session when a city bus filled with people having sex arrived. The bus doors swung open and an unmistakable genital aroma spilled out. It smelled like dog food that had been microwaved for too long, and was accompanied by what sounded like people slapping each other with wet towels.

I waved them off. The bus driver shut the doors and left, my mandatory sex partner pulled her skirt back down and did the same.

My phone buzzed.