Traveler Detained For Attempting Live Reboot of “Snakes on A Plane”
A man was caught smuggling more than 100 live snakes into mainland China by stuffing them in his pants. Classic!
By Missy Baker · July 19, 2024
Disclaimer: While this story is stuffed with facts, we’ve also smuggled in plenty of sss-satire.
“Hey, is that 104 snakes in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?” That’s what one customs officer recently found themselves asking at a routine checkpoint stop outside of Hong Kong.
In an epic bust that would rattle even the most stoic airport employee, a traveler was caught attempting to bring a buttload—literally—of live snakes into mainland China by stuffing them—where else?—his pants. Talk about a flight with no legroom!
Travelers and Ophidiophobes are praising the vigilant customs officer who first detected and detained the snake smuggler. Although, is someone with 104 snakes in their pants really that hard to spot? Seems like all the wiggling and giggling would raise at least some red flags.
“Hey, if God didn’t want me to sneak 104 live snakes on a plane, then why the heck did he create cargo pants?”
Despite the suspect’s very valid points, he was busted by Airport Security, booted from the flight, and all 104 of his travel companions were confiscated. No one rides for free!
I will say one thing for the serpent smuggler: you have to admire this guy’s confidence. I have a panic attack just trying to bring a regulation-sized container of moisturizer through TSA… and that doesn’t even have fangs.
Customs officers were less impressed by this modern-day Pied Piper. He was searched in places the snakes couldn’t even find. During the inspection, authorities discovered six drawstring bags containing five different species of snakes and one handwritten script for “Snakes on a Plane 2: Hisss-tory in the Making.”
When asked if he’d slither back into the spotlight for the sequel, Samuel L. Jackson, breakout star of the 2006 original cinematic masterpiece, unleashed an impressive and venomous string of curse words that would make a Marine blush. I can’t repeat them here without ratting some cages, but it essentially boiled down to, “HOW THE F**K DID YOU GET THIS M****R F*****G NUMBER?!”
As for the cinematic visionary behind the “Snakes On A Plane” reboot, Airport Security has not yet reported whether the snake smuggler was arrested or if his script was greenlit. Check your local listings.