UK Train Service Canceled After Unticketed Squirrels Refuse to Leave
You’ve heard of Snakes on a Plane, now get ready for the gritty real-life reboot, Squirrels on a Train.
By Missy Baker · September 19, 2024
Disclaimer: While this story is on track with facts, it quickly gets derailed by satire.
Rush hour in London got a little nuts recently when a pair of squirrels (without tickets) boarded a train bound for Gatwick Airport. The furry freeloaders refused to disembark from the train, despite threats from conductors, forcing transit authorities to cancel service completely.
“We can confirm that the 08:54 Reading to Gatwick was terminated at Redhill after a couple of squirrels boarded the train at Gomshall without tickets, breaching railway bye-laws,” a spokesperson for the railway said.
The squirrels might have made it to their intended destination without issue if they hadn’t caused such a commotion while on board.
First, there was a problem with their tickets— they didn’t purchase any. Next, they trashed the café car simply because they were out of mixed nuts. The final straw for train employees was when the squirrels started loudly chattering on their cell phones in the quiet car. Come on, guys, it’s basic train etiquette!
Train personnel speculated that alcohol may have played a factor in the squirrels’ behavior, as one was spotted staggering around the bar car ranting about how much tail he used to get in his prime before breaking down into sobs and passing out in the luggage compartment.
The unruly squirrel passengers refused to leave the train, despite repeated threats from personnel. The chaos continued until the train conductor had no other choice but to cancel service and return to the station before reaching its final destination.
“We believe the customer is always right, but is it right to launch yourself at my head and latch on to my toupee just because I asked to see your ticket?”
While pets such as dogs frequently ride trains in Britain without incident, rodents are notably less welcome passengers. But is that a fair policy? The estimated 2.7 million grey squirrels in the UK don’t think so.
“I mean, come on, it’s not like we’re rats. Have you even seen our fluffy tails?”
Despite passionate arguments on both sides of the train aisle, a compromise between globetrotting squirrels and the Department of Public Transportation has yet to be reached.
For now, squirrels needing a ride to the airport are forced to stick to Uber.