Snack Attack! UN-Professional Fighter Bites Opponent, Tastes Defeat
It’s the meal-good story of the year! A recent UFC fight had to be stopped when one fighter decided to turn his opponent into a midnight snack! I’ve got a MUNCH he won’t be trying that again soon! Before I forget; CANNIBALISM!
By Jonas Polsky · March 26, 2024
Eating disorders have existed since the moment the first Taco Bell opened their doors. Whether people are eating too much, too little, or just the right amount; they have an eating disorder. Recently mental illness has decided to switch things up and drop a reality-warping eating disorder that’s changing the way we see the world.
I’m talking of course about hallucinatory eating disorders. It’s the eating disorder that amplifies your normal food cravings and transforms them into a full-blown psychotic hallucination.
This occurs when information from the optic nerves are incorrectly routed through the tastebuds while on their way to the brain. This data becomes scrambled and informs you that the completely normal person you’re looking at is a big juicy chicken leg just waiting for you to take a bite.
“Damn, girl! You’re lookin’ like a SNACK!”
Previously, hallucinatory eating disorder only affected cartoon characters, but at some point it made a “Space Jam”-style leap from the cartoon world into ours
Emergency rooms and those coffee shops where you can make pottery are reporting a spike in cases of hallucinatory eating disorder. Victims are perceived to be giant pastries, six-foot tall pork chops, or human-sized Snickers bars.
This form of reverse body dysmorphia can be especially dangerous in combat sports. When you see a gigantic sizzling cheeseburger taking swings at you, it can be confusing.
That’s when the body’s “bite or flight” response kicks in.
Take the curious case of mixed martial artist Igor Severino. In his first fight in the UFC he mistook his very human opponent for a dancing grilled cheese sandwich. Igor did what would come naturally to any one of us, which is to dash forward toward the sandwich and take a huge bite out of that toasty bread so he could get a taste of that ooey gooey cheesy goodness!
As you likely already know; his opponent Andre Lima was not a massive grilled cheese sandwich tap dancing around the octagon waiting to be eaten. He’s a human being, and he’s not edible. While he may have signed up to be punched, kicked, thrown, and choked, Andre Lima never agreed to be EATEN.
Interestingly, the shape and structure of a person increases their “munchability index” or how likely a starving hallucinator is to bite you. The larger and more muscular a person is, the more likely they will appear to be a beautiful shiny loaf of challah bread, or a giant chocolate chip muffin.
If hallucinatory eating disorders continue their spread, I predict that in the near future reducing your body’s munchability index will be key to survival.
But don’t worry, extremely expensive medications are already in development. Clinical studies are promising, showing reduced hallucinations, but one side effect of the drug is that it makes food look like it has a human face.
So if you’re prescribed an anti-hallucinatory your grandmother will stop looking like a huge bratwurst covered in mustard, but the next chocolate bar you try to eat may have the face of your cousin Marvin who you watched get hit by a train when you were nine.